The Time-Out Technique for Anger: How to Step Away and Come Back

A timeout means stepping away from a heated situation for a short, set time so your body can calm down, and then coming back to deal with the problem.

Why does it work? When you're very angry, your body's alarm is loud and your thinking brain gets quieter. Arguing in that state usually makes things worse. For many people it takes at least 20 to 30 minutes for the body to settle. A timeout gives you that window.

A timeout is not:

• Storming out and slamming the door.
• Disappearing for hours with no word.
• A way to "win" by refusing to talk.
• Punishing the other person with silence.

A real timeout says: This matters to me, and I want to handle it well. I just can't do that right now. The return is what makes it a timeout. Without it, it's just walking away.

The biggest mistake is announcing your first timeout in the middle of a fight. To the other person, it looks like you're running off.

Pick a calm moment and have a five-minute talk with the people you live with. You can say:

"I'm working on handling my anger better. When I feel myself getting too heated, I'm going to say 'I need a timeout.' It doesn't mean I don't care or that I'm leaving. It means I'm going to cool off for about 30 minutes and then come back so we can finish talking. You can call one too."

Agree on three things:

1. The words either of you will use.
2. The time, usually 20 to 30 minutes, and a check-in if you need longer.
3. The rule that the other person lets you go and doesn't follow you, and that you always come back.

Write it down: the free My Timeout Plan worksheet walks you through it on one page.

1. Notice

Catch your warning signs early: tight jaw, rising voice, pacing, the thought "she always does this." On an anger thermometer, call the timeout at a 5 or 6. Don't wait for the 9. By then, it's much harder to leave calmly.

2. Say

Use the same short line every time, under 15 words, so people learn it:

• "I'm getting too angry. I need a timeout. I'll be back in 30 minutes."
• "I'm at a 6. I'm taking a break. Back at 8:30."

Say it calmly and then stop. This isn't the time for one last point. "I need a timeout, and by the way you're wrong" isn't a timeout.

3. Leave

Go somewhere you can calm down: a walk around the block, the porch, another room with the door closed gently. Do something that settles your body. More on that below.

4. Return

Come back when you said you would. Check your number first. If you're at a 3 or lower, go back and say, "I'm ready to talk now." If you're still hot, check in anyway: "I need another 20 minutes. I'll be back at 9." Then keep that promise too.

In the course: the four steps and timeout rules are in Lesson 3, Cool Down (every class, from the 4-hour class).

What you do in those 20 to 30 minutes decides whether you come back calmer or angrier.

The hardest "don't" is the replay. If your mind keeps running the argument, it's not a break. It's round two in your head. Gently shift your attention to your feet, your breath, or what you can see. Our breathing exercises for anger include a "walking breath" made for exactly this.

Once your body is calmer, around a 4, use the last few minutes to think. What set you off? Is there a hurt or worry under the anger (see the anger iceberg)? What's one thing you could say that would move the talk forward?

Most guides stop at "return." Here's what to actually do.

1. Check your number. 3 or lower? Go back. Higher? Check in and set a new time.
2. Open calmly. "Thanks for giving me that time. I'm ready to talk."
3. Own your part, if there was one. "I was getting loud. I'm sorry about that."
4. Listen first. Let the other person say how it felt from their side. Say back what you heard: "So you felt ignored when I…"
5. Use an I-statement for your side. "I felt ___ when ___ because ___. I'd like ___." See assertive communication.
6. Stick to one topic. Don't bring in last month's fight.
7. If it heats up again, call another timeout. That's allowed. Some talks take two or three tries.
8. If it can't be solved tonight, agree on a time to finish it. "Can we pick this up tomorrow after dinner?"

At home you can say "I need a timeout." At work, in a store or at your kid's game, that might make things worse. That's when you use a quiet timeout: you step away without making a big deal of it.

Exit lines that work:

• "Let me check on that and come right back."
• "Can we pause for five minutes?"
• "I need to grab some water. Back in a minute."
• "Let me think about that and get back to you tomorrow."
• "Excuse me, I need to use the restroom."

Then take three slow breaths, drink some water, and come back at a lower number. For more on work situations, see anger at work.

Signs a timeout is being misused:

• One person calls a "timeout" every time a hard topic comes up and never comes back to it.
• The break lasts hours or days, with silence as punishment.
• It's used to get the last word and then leave.
• Someone follows the other person from room to room to keep arguing.

If any of these sound familiar, go back to the agreement and the four steps. A timeout has to include the return, and it has to be respected both ways. If one partner always avoids hard talks, see passive-aggressive behavior and anger in relationships.

Safety comes first. A timeout is a tool for cooling down, not a reason to stay in danger. If you feel unsafe, or someone else is unsafe, leave and get help. If someone blocks you from leaving, don't push past them. Go to another room, call someone, or call 911 if you need to. If children are home, make sure they're safe and supervised before you step out.

Timeouts are one part of anger management, not the whole thing. They're not a substitute for a domestic violence or batterer intervention program when one has been ordered. For the full set of skills, see our anger management techniques page.