The Anger Iceberg: What's Hiding Under Your Anger

Picture an iceberg in the ocean. You only see the small tip above the water. Most of the ice, about 90 percent, is hidden below.

Anger often works the same way. Anger is the part people see: the raised voice, the red face, the slammed door. Underneath, there are usually other feelings that are harder to see and harder to say out loud.

That's why anger is sometimes called a secondary emotion. It often shows up on top of a first, or primary, feeling. You feel embarrassed, and a second later you feel furious.

Why does the mind jump to anger? Because anger feels strong. Fear, hurt and shame can make us feel weak or exposed. Anger makes us feel powerful, at least for a minute. So the mind reaches for it fast, often before we notice the first feeling at all.

An honest caveat

The iceberg is a tool, not a law. Sometimes anger is simply the right reaction to something unfair, and there isn't much under it. If someone cheats you, anger can be a healthy signal that a line was crossed.

So don't use the iceberg to tell yourself, or anyone else, "you're not really angry." Use it to ask: Is there something else here too? Often there is, and that's the part worth dealing with.

In the course: Lesson 1, Understanding Anger, section "What Is Under the Iceberg" (every class, from the 4-hour class).

These are the feelings most often found under anger. Most people have two or three that come up again and again.

Notice the right-hand column. Every sentence starts with "I" and names a feeling. That's the same shape as an I-statement. Our guide to assertive communication shows how to build one.

You can use the iceberg in the moment or afterward. In the moment, it takes about 30 seconds. Afterward, give it 5 to 10 minutes.

1. Cool your body first. If you're at a 7 or higher on the anger thermometer, you won't be able to look under anything. Breathe out slowly a few times or take a time-out. Come back to the iceberg at a 5 or lower.
2. Name the tip. Say it plainly: "I'm angry at my sister."
3. Ask the key question. "What else am I feeling?" or "What's under this?" Look at the table above and pick one or two words.
4. Find the need. "What do I actually want here?" To be respected, to feel safe, to get help, to rest. A need is something a person could actually give you.
5. Choose your next move from the need, not the anger. Make a calm request, take care of yourself, or let it go. Write one sentence you could say.

Naming the feeling under the anger can take some heat out of it. It also points you at the real problem. Yelling about dishes won't fix money stress. Saying "I'm worried about money" might start a conversation that does.

Practice it on paper: think of your last angry moment and draw a quick iceberg: "anger" at the top, two or three feelings below. Do it for three moments this week. Patterns show up fast. An anger journal is a good place to keep them. More printable sheets are on our anger management worksheets page.

The landlord email. A small business owner gets an email: the rent is going up again. Her first reaction is fury. She starts typing a reply in all capital letters. Then she stops and asks, "What's under this?" The answer comes fast: I'm scared I can't keep the shop open. She deletes the draft, calls her sister, and the next day asks the landlord for a meeting about a longer lease. The fear didn't go away, but now she was acting on the real problem.

The dishes. A father yells at his son every morning about dishes in the sink. Under the water: he's exhausted from double shifts and worried about a truck payment. When he says, "I'm worn out and stressed, and I need help with the kitchen," the talk goes very differently.

The late text. A woman's partner comes home two hours late without texting. She starts with "You're so selfish!" Under the water is fear. She'd been imagining a car crash. "I was scared something happened to you" gets an apology. "You're so selfish" gets a fight.

Same events. The difference is what got said: the tip or what's under it.

The iceberg also helps you understand other people's anger.

• When someone is angry at you, you can ask yourself, "What might be under this for them?" You don't have to say it out loud. Telling an angry person "you're really just scared" usually makes it worse. Just let it guide what you say: "It sounds like you were worried."
• With a partner, draw the iceberg together on a calm day. Each person names their two most common "under the water" feelings. Next time one of you is heated, the other can ask, "Is this the tired one or the hurt one?" See more in anger in relationships.
• With kids and teens, the picture works well. Ask, "You look really mad. Is anything else going on, like embarrassed or left out?" Give them words from the table. Kids who can name feelings often need to shout them less.

If you notice the same feeling under your anger for months, like old hurt or shame from the past, that's a good thing to bring to a licensed professional.

For the techniques that help once you've found what's under the water, see our full list of anger management techniques. To spot what sets the iceberg off in the first place, read about anger triggers.